Understanding, is the only way we move forward – If you don’t understand it, you can’t change it.
And we change it through Parenting, through taking the time to learn about the energetic connection between ourselves and our children.
Parenting is learned behaviour. What we don’t learn from our parents we will not possess as a learned resource to fall back on in times of conflict and challenge. And no relationship is more challenging than the one between parent and child – because it is designed that way.
Parenting is the steepest learning curve many of us will undertake in our lives because children come here to teach, by reflecting back not what we say and think we are but who we truly are at our core. They come here to help us let go of the past.
It is unlikely that any adults guilty of abusing children were treated justly and without condition or that the emotional connection between them and their caregivers was maintained consistently. Does it serve any purpose to react with hate and anger towards a human who biologically cannot do what we think they ought to be able to do?
Researchers at Yale University who studied the DNA of people who had experienced high ACE scores showed their DNA differed to people who had low to no ACE score. These changes were visible on all 23 chromosomes and genes that should manage the stress response.
Meaning their capacity to handle their stress response was altered at a Genetic level.
Why is This Important?
Because the effects of childhood trauma – everything from criticism, pressure to achieve, to being ignored and neglected, to frequent hospital visits and medical interventions to parental stress, depression, addiction and illness to sexual, physical and emotional torment – on the life of an adult, their health and ability to parent MUST NOT BE UNDERESTIMATED.
On a personal note, as a mum and someone who experienced profound childhood trauma, I wouldn’t have been capable of dissolving the anger and shame or the resulting physical health issues and behaviours and ensuring my past didn’t become part of the legacy I left my children – if I hadn’t learned to understand my parents.
So, why do parents damage and abuse their children? Because it’s true, hurt people really do hurt people. but blaming and hating people who abuse their children blocks us from understanding – from bothering to look closer and to ask “why”.
And when you can’t see why, you only think in terms of punishment, bringing progression to a standstill and missing the opportunity to learn and prevent more of the same. Meaning, each time we fail to ask the RIGHT questions, to look in the RIGHT direction the spirits of more and more children are broken. For some, beyond repair.
Understanding is not weakness, it’s not letting people who do terrible things to children ‘off the hook’.
It is the only way towards positive change.
As Teachers, Carers, Neighbours, Humans
The single most effective form of prevention of an adverse childhood experience, becoming a lifelong physical and emotional struggle is for us to notice children who are suffering emotionally and to be that source of consistent acceptance, care and empathy.
Literally, this is lifesaving and at the very least you could be the person who makes the difference in a life between happy and successful and a life of preventable illness, dependencies, relationships issues and parental damage.
And as parents and mentors we have of course to begin with our own children.
If you’d like to take the ACE questionnaire please click the link and if you find you get a high score it’s important to remember a few things.
The first is that you are definitely not alone and the second things to remember is that even though early traumas cause changes in the brain they can be changed again. Your mind and body know how to heal themselves, your brain wants to change, it’s designed to change. See the ACE study as an awareness of where you are right now so you can take steps to move forwards.
This is how we transcend our upbringing, move humankind forwards and ensure our children emerge from childhood unscathed.
If you’re interested in finding out more about the ACE study click here
If You’re interested in taking the ACE questionnaire click here
Short version https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/
Longer version (200 questions) https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/pdf/fhhmlorna.pdf Males